Guest Blog – Childless Woman – Laura Hull

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Childless Woman

by Laura Hull

childless headerI am 43 years old, I am married, and I have no children.

Lately, my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of getting a dog. I love dogs. If I see a dog in public, I want to pet it, and I want it to like me. Even so, I’ve never owned a dog, so the prospect of connecting with and taking care of one myself is a bit daunting, since I’ve never had a front row seat to observe dog ownership. After all, I can’t mimic something I’ve never seen done.

Children are great too. I admire and respect families for the work they put in to raising babies through all the stages into terrific adults. But I have barely the slightest idea how that happens because I didn’t see it modeled as a child; it just wasn’t part of my experience.

When I was young, my father was an officer in the U.S. Army so we moved around a lot. While this nomadic childhood took us many places, it also severely restricted my time spent with younger cousins and even small children of neighbors and family friends as I grew up. As a rule, my brother and I were the youngest kids in any neighborhood we moved into, so my time spent with babies and younger kids was all but nil.

Knowing how to interact with kids of various ages, especially the younger ones, always seemed to come naturally to everyone else, but it never did to me. Even as an in-demand babysitter in several neighborhoods where we lived, I didn’t click with kids. I was good at keeping them safe and fed and getting them to bed on time, but I struggled to connect with them. It was like they spoke a different language.

In my teens and early 20s, many of my peers already knew they wanted children in the future. I would joke that I’d wait until someone came out with a machine-washable model. During those years, I didn’t feel the driving need to be a mother. Meanwhile, in public places, like supermarkets, toddlers in grocery carts would always stare wide-eyed at me. It felt as if they knew my maternal instinct was somehow lacking.

My husband of ten years is a dozen years older than me and has two sons from his previous marriage. When he and I met — about two weeks after my thirtieth birthday — his older son was twenty years old and the younger was just about to turn eighteen. As our relationship got more serious, we talked many times about children. He told me he loved being a father but liked that the chaos of babies and children was behind him. Meanwhile, my biological clock was ticking. That “now or never” feeling was hard to ignore, even though I still wasn’t completely sure I wanted to commit to being a mother.

When we decided to get married, he acknowledged that he wouldn’t mind to be a father again. I figured whatever was lacking in my knowledge of babies and children would be filled in with books and online resources and whatever natural instinct might still be left in my DNA. After the wedding, we tossed the birth control. We figured I was healthy, so I’d be pregnant in no time.

Months went by. Then more months. After a couple years passed, we looked into medical intervention. At my first appointment, the doctor informed me I have “inadequate ovarian follicles.” (Great, one more thing to feel inadequate about!) Based on the odds of our situation, and faced with spending tens of thousands of dollars on a “maybe” plus a lot of injections and invasive procedures, we passed on fertility treatments.

Realizing we weren’t going to have our own children, we briefly looked into adoption. It didn’t feel like the right thing for us.

At that point, we considered maybe we weren’t meant to have children together. After discussing it, we chose to move forward and pursue other life experiences, rather than continue to keep our lives on hold while trying to get pregnant.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not having children. A part of me says we should have children (or adopt or foster) because we have a good income, because we have a nice house with some extra space, because I don’t have to work, etc. Furthermore, my husband and I are both intelligent, moderately healthy and attractive, and well-traveled. We have varied interests, access to experiences and education, as well as a functional and loving extended family. It’s not hard to argue that our choice to remain childless is pure selfishness.

Sometimes I feel sad about not having a child, about not experiencing motherhood. Occasionally, I feel a little twinge of heartache — a fleeting thought of “what if” — when I attend baby showers or interact with other people’s precious babies and children. Children represent hope for the future, and everyone needs a little hope in their lives, right? With each year that passes, I worry more and more about who will look after me when I am old. The gap in our ages all but guarantees my husband will leave me widowed. Having an adult child to look in on me would likely reduce or eliminate my fear of the loneliness and uncertainty I will face when my husband passes.

My only true regret about not having a child is that my mother did not get to be a grandmother. (My only sibling, my brother, is also childless by choice.) My mother deserved to have grandbabies. She once told me that she got herself through a lot of hard times since my father died by focusing on the idea that someday she’d have grandkids and it would all be worth it. I hate that I didn’t make that come true for her.

While I still occasionally experience a little guilt, sadness, and regret, I realize none of them were the right reason for me to have a child. To commit myself to parenthood out of a feeling of obligation, or for fear of missing out, or to provide myself a caretaker, or to entertain my mother would have been the ultimate self-centered act and no child deserves to be the product of selfishness.

Overall, I’m happy with my child-free life. I think I could have been happy either way, but I’m grateful for how it all worked out. My husband and I spend plenty of time with family, especially his grown sons and their wives, we travel at a moment’s notice, we support the arts, we volunteer with local charities, and we read and learn constantly. Bottom line: My life is full; it is complete.

Laura Bio

 

Childless Woman Guest Blog – Intro

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I  have been thinking about doing a guest blog on this topic for a few years now, but recently I was inspired by a debate I saw on Instagram on the For Harriett timeline. A lady wrote an email to them talking about people always asking her aunt when she was going to have a baby. Unfortunately in that case, the girl’s aunt had been trying to have a baby, but had suffered several miscarriages. It was very painful for the aunt to talk about, but friends, family and strangers all felt the need to ask her such a personal question.

Well, that struck a cord in me. I felt for the young lady’s aunt having to answer those questions over and over again, but I also know that not everyone’s story is the same. It made me think of all of the times I have been asked that same intrusive question. I realized that many other women have had this same experience and it might just do some good to talk about i – Get it out in the open and free ourselves from the unwarranted judgment of others.

After doing a bit of research, I found being childless in this country, at least, is more common than you may think. Although this guest blog is focusing on women over the age of 30, sometimes women make the decision earlier in life and take steps to ensure they don’t slip up. The video below details Christen Reighter’s struggle to get her health care providers on board to tie her tubes when she explained she did not want children.

 

The purpose of this feature is to empower women to feel free to choose if they want to be mothers, or not and to give them an outlet to voice any frustrations or concerns about society’s expectations of women. It is also to educate those people who insist on asking women when they are going to have a baby. It is a personal choice, but sometimes it is not a choice! Stop asking women this question or when they are going to get married. It is not your business, and as women we don’t need to tear each other down. Instead try lending a shoulder or an ear or just leave the subject alone, altogether. Worry about yourself!

In this feature we will hear from six women, from different walks of life, trying to live their lives without the added pressure of worrying about having a baby they either don’t want or can’t have. Enjoy!

Childless Women

 

Guest Blog Recruiting!

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Hi Lovies,

I have been inspired to create a guest blog event for women who are over 30 and are childless. There were a couple of social media posts over the last few weeks that I was engaged in where women who do not have a baby and are over the age of 30 are simply tired of being harassed by society. They will not comply with what the rest of the world deems normal and are pushing back. The reluctance to talk about what is happening with their bodies is personal and private. Why do strangers need to know if they can’t have a baby or simply don’t want one?

Well, this blog feature is going to address those concerns and more. It is a way for women to express themselves without the overwhelming cloak of judgement hanging over them. If you are a “childless” woman over the age of 30 and would like to participate in this event, please contact me.

Let the people hear your point of view so they can stop asking you all of the time. Let your voices be heard!  Be sure to spread the word! Like, and share this post.

 

 

Indie Shine – Mercedes Wilson

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Welcome to another edition of Indie Shine, a place for Rebirthoflisa to shine the spotlight on indie artists. Today we welcome author Mercedes Wilson.

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©Mercedes E. WIlson used with permission

Bio 

Mercedes Wilson, a wife, mother of four, breast cancer survivor, and proud Western New York native, is no doubt on a mission to help young women across the region. Mercedes founded For Our Daughters Incorporated with the mission of educating young women on how to advocate for their own health and wellness. Mercedes is also an author with first book titled “Hope” coming out June 15th, 2018. She hosts a bi-weekly podcast called “The Mercedes Wilson Show” that addresses the topics of today’s church from all angles. Mercedes is a board member of the YWCA of the Niagara Frontier, a volunteer in the Buffalo Community, and a very proud student of 2018 Leadership Buffalo Class! “18 Great Team”!

 

Q&A:

What do you do and Why do you do it? 
I am a new author. I do it because if I don’t, I can’t sleep! It doesn’t give me rest!
Tell us about your most recent work. HOPE Mercedes Wilson

“Hope: How Faith Carried Me Through My Darkest Hours” -This book gives you a glimpse into some of the hardest points of my life while allowing you to see Gods magnificent hand at work. We serve a triumphant God, and he can work in situations where we think there is no way out.

Who inspires you?
My family
What do you consider your “Masterpiece” at this time? 
My new book and my 4 children
What is your motto in life? 
Do it!
Name your wildest dream. The one you can not imagine achieving, but would love for it to come true. 
workshops worldwide
Mercedes QuoteWhat is your favorite quote? 
“A man with an experience is never at the mercy of a man with an argument” 
When it is all said and done, what would you like to be remembered for? 
My giving to those in need and my crazy laugh
Tell us about your next project and when will it be available to the public? 
The Healing Power of Faith Workshop on June 22nd in Williamsville, NY – $33 adv $39 at the door.  For tickets call: (716)930-5011 or email grandie26@yahoo.com
Where can fans purchase your work? 
amazon, westbowpress.com, local bookstores, Barnes and Noble on line, Ingram

Social Media

Mercedes

Author Website: mercedesewilson.com

Amazon Author Page:  Mercedes E. Wilson

Instagram: @mercedesewilson

Facebook: @mercedesewilson

Twitter: @mercedesewilson

Motivational Monday – 7/24/17

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Sometimes we feel as if we are stuck in our environment or that our destinies are pre-determined, but I think we all have choices. Your destiny is tied to the road you choose to take. You can always change where you’re going. Look at life like a GPS system. When you are lost, simply recalculate your route.

 

AFFIRMATIONS(7)

Motivational Monday – 4/3/17

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motivational-monday

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That statement reigns true in more ways than one. If you want people to see you as beautiful, you first must see yourself that way. No matter what other people say about your outer appearance, your beauty shines from within. #mm

Beautiful