Today’s blog is inspired by a quote from the great poet Dr. Maya Angelou; “If you’re always trying to be Normal, You will never know how Amazing you can be!” I want you to really think about the meaning of those words. Let it sink in… because it hit home for me.
Most of my life I have been fighting a battle between normal and weird. When I was young, I attempted to be normal without much success. I was a tomboy who loved sports, but I also had a girlie side and loved to play with dolls and stuffed animals. I was never truly accepted for who I was. On the one hand I was good at sports and played mostly with the boys. I found solace in this during the game, but once the game was over it was a different story. Once I thought I might like one of the boys on the court, but I was quickly placed in the friend zone. Somehow boys thought I must be gay if I could play sports so well. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I just liked sports and I was good at it. Not to be outdone by the boys, all the girls in school ostracized me for the same reason. I was never invited to parties or sleepovers. Since I was so “weird” to children of my age group, I chose to hang around my older siblings. Surely they would accept me, right? Wrong! My sisters were too busy dating and worrying about getting out on their own to want me around. My big brother who used to allow me to tag along with his crew had suddenly noticed girls and no longer wanted me around. This left me with me, myself and I. I decided then and there to like who I was. If I couldn’t be with the “normal” kids, I would just have to be the weirdest me I could be. All of this time alone caused me to build self esteem and to rebel against what everyone else viewed as “normal”. I began to excel at sports and became part of a team, but even they thought I was weird. Sure they liked me during practice and games, but afterwards I was still alone. No one called me or wanted to hang out. Even though I would have loved to make friends and be accepted by others, it just never happened.
In college I thought maybe I would finally be able to form relationships without being judged as “weird”, but it was too late. I was already who I was going to be and all of those years of isolation caused me not to socialize well. I was not good at making friends and once I let my guard down around people, I was “weird” again. This condition has followed me all of my life and I only have a few people that I can truly define as friends. I now know that this is a blessing!
My “weirdness” has even affected my relationships with men. There were a few guys that came and went, but I did not consider them boyfriends. I have had four real boyfriends in my entire life. My first was an older guy who was so much of a loser that he had to date high school girls while he was in his 20’s. My mom never knew about him because she would have killed both of us. That relationship ended because I would not put out and his best friend’s girlfriend was more than willing. The second was a high school guy who seemed to like me despite my “weird” reputation. Come to find out all he wanted was sex, which I gave to him so I would feel accepted. I ended the relationship because I just wasn’t mentally ready to continue having sex in high school. My third boyfriend was my first real love. We met the first week in college and were inseparable for the next 7 years. I agreed to marry him, but once I went into the real world, I found that what we had was not real. He was a liar and a cheater and broke my heart. My final boyfriend turned out to be the one man in the world who accepted me for me and I married him. We have been together almost 19 years and he has shown me how to accept my “weirdness” for the Amazing gift it is. I now embrace my “weirdness” and realize that God has made me this way for a reason. I am on my path to becoming Amazing and I am looking forward to the journey. How about you?